We took our family beach trip to Nags Head while school was still in, in order to take advantage of the pre-season price. Austin missed one day of school (he attended MWF). I went to his final “normal” day at school on Friday the 20th. Other students last day was Monday the 22nd & Graduation was on Wed. May 25th.  My husband joined us at the beach on Monday. My oldest sister kept my dad, so he was well taken care of & fed while we were gone (she cooks better than me ! We had a great time at the beach! The boys love playing in the sand & putting their lil’ chairs, close enough so when the water came up, it’d wash their feet. We also visited Roanoke Island Festival Park- we walked thru some outdoor historical sites that were set up, which was really neat. We walked on the Elizabeth II ship, tried on some old armor…just had a great time. We also went on Jockey’s Ridge. I remember climbing Jockey’s Ridge as a child & have a cute picture that was taken of me, when I was 5 years old, there. The boys LOVED running down the sand & Sean got a mouth full of sand a few times! When my husband came, we took the boys to the aquarium & they enjoyed looking at all of the underwater creatures.

Going to Nags Head is pretty much a yearly thing for us, as we’ve done so ever since I was a child, even if it was only for a day or two. Up until this year, we’d always stay at the same hotel that I stayed at with my sister & husband back in the mid 90’s, when I was 15 years old. Mom & our family would also go to the beach, & did every summer when she was diagnosed with cancer, & we also stayed at that same hotel. That’s my favorite picture of here at the beginning of this post – I took it at our 2008 beach trip. The boys & I went the same hotel last year with a good friend of mine but this year, I needed to stay somewhere different. I think we will stay there in the future too, as they have a really nice Pirate ship playground & two kiddie pools. Hopefully we can go again before school’s back in. Rooms were okay but we don’t go to the beach to stay inside . On the way back, we got stuck on a bridge for 2 hours!! The drawbridge got stuck & they had to send someone to fix it. In the meantime, we had to entertain two small boys. Everyone got out of their cars & walked around. There was even a news channel videoman on the bridge & he videotaped my boys on their buggies. So glad I brought them on our trip!

I can’t believe my oldest son has completed Pre-K! I cried at the graduation when they played a video of photos on the large screen with the song “Let Them Be Little”. Aw man, so sweet what a tear jerker! Austin stood tall & proud on the graduation stage. And each child was asked what they want to be when they grow up. Austin’s answer was “An Artist”. I loved that…he was the only one that said he wanted to be an artist, so I like that he has his own thought & mind, & didn’t copy anyone else’s answer. He’s very creative with his LEGO blocks- some of the things he can create, amazes me! We have loved his teachers…he attends school at our church & he started last year, during the 2nd half of the year. He was able to get the same teacher this year & I think that really helped Austin transition & grow. My baby’s getting so grown!! :’(

Here are some pictures of the beach trip & graduation…

So I have to share this story that really touched my heart. Ronan Sean Thompson: May 12, 2007-May 9th, 2011. A little boy that I did not know, has made such a huge impact on my life. He is from Arizona & the only reason I heard anything about his story, was b/c people on Facebook were spreading the word about releasing purple balloons on his birthday. He died after battling Neuroblastoma, which he was only diagnosed with, in August of 2010 I believe was the month. His mommy, Maya Thompson, started writing about their cancer journey & battle in a blog: http://rockstarronan.com. I have read & read & cried & cried. This lil’ boy’s smile is so contagious, so sweet. I have hugged & kissed my boys so much more…life is short! I am so blessed to have two healthy boys. I know sometimes I take the minutes I’m with them, for granted. I am not guaranteed another day, nor am I guaranteed time with them as this story so demonstrates. My heart breaks for Maya, her husband and their twin boys who lost their baby brother. Maya writes her blog with no words sugar coated, no emotions left out. I am so grateful to have “met” her so to speak & she will do great things…I just know that. I feel like I know Ronan too…I prayed that God will put him in touch with my mom in Heaven & give him lots of hugs & kisses. Is that crazy to ask in a prayer? Maybe. But, I am going to believe. His mommy has a long hard road ahead & her life will never be the same. I can’t imagine losing one of my boys. My heart aches thinking about it & thinking about this story. Did I say I HATE cancer? Yes, even more so now. My eyes have cried many tears, for a lil’ boy I don’t even know, other than pictures & words written by his mom.

There are a ton of pictures of Ronan’s sweet face on Maya’s Flickr photostream. I did a printscreen of two of my favs below. I didn’t want to just take them, so I’m just sharing what you would see, the same as if I posted a link to it. We love the Fedora hat on Ronan- I think I may get Sean one of those. He likes accessories And both of my boys have been told Ronan’s story.

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

May 4th, 1945…Elizabeth “Betty” Louise Foster came into the world. A beautiful soul that birthed 5 children & was married to her childhood sweetheart for almost 49 years when she took her last breath, 12 days before her & dad’s anniversary (July 5th, 1960). I always, ALWAYS spent mama’s birthday with her unless I was living in another state, which was one year I missed. I hate cancer. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate is a strong word & I mean it strongly. Hate. It took the one person in my life, who really really loved me unconditionally. I have tried to wrap my brain around everything, I’ve had what if thoughts, I’ve had, I should’ve thoughts…many of those. I know I spent a lot of time with my mom, I know we were super close…but I still, STILL wish I spent more time, talked to her more…she knew I loved her, I told her that often. She did not deserve this. She did not deserve to die, not like this. I know we all are going to die, I’m not trying to live in a dreamland but I still think mama had so much more she could do…so many more people she could positively influence. Grandkids who could benefit from her invaluable wisdom…mine especially since they ware the youngest. My oldest son was 3.5 years old when mom passed & he still talks about her vividly…asks me all the time if she’s coming back. 2 weeks is the number he always asks about: “Is she coming back in two weeks?” And he says he wants to see her. He talks about things that were at her house, things my mom used to say…he’s 5.5 years old now and I just hope he holds onto those memories, so he can share them with his lil’ brother. Sean was only 10 months old when mom passed. He took his first steps in the hospital hallway, down from her room, the day she passed away.

So, with all that being said, it’s obvious this is a difficult season for me…I say season b/c her birthday is May 4th, Mother’s Day follows the next week…the anniversary of her passing is June 24th & my birthday is June 25th. A lot of emotions to deal with in a 2 month period. Mother’s Day I worked at our restaurant for a few hours, to help my husband out. He gave me an amazing Mother’s Day gift…which is the picture at the top of this post (pink ribbon cookies). He’s so thoughtful! I am so grateful for my good friend Kim, who kept my boys. I have definitely gained a lot of great friends through one of my church groups called Celebrate Recovery. I started attending b/c of grief, 7 months after my mom passed. I attend every Thursday & started singing on the praise team a few months after I started which has really been a blessing. I have uncovered a lot of other things & I have been working on my grieving for almost a year now & have come a long way. I will never ever stop the tears should they form at any time when I think of mom, but I have come to terms & accepted it & know she would want me to be happy & not continue to be depressed. Even though I went on a rant in the first paragraph of this post…I know I have to keep living.

It’s extra sad knowing my dad doesn’t really have a grasp on what happened to mom. He seems to think she’s still alive, but somewhere in the house. One time I asked him “Do you know where mom is, dad?” He said “I don’t know, she’s around here somewhere, probably in the bed.” I’m assuming he said that, even though it was daytime, b/c my mom was an RN who worked a lot of nights & had to sleep during the day. Or he could be remembering her when she was in bed/slept a lot in the months leading up to her passing. It does get to me when I think “Man, I’ve really lost both my parents.” I have had trouble trying to take care of dad, simply b/c he won’t really talk to me when I ask questions, he’s almost stopped using the bathroom on his own…this may seem disrespectful to talk about in a blog but I mean it in the most humble way…this is what happens when someone has Alzheimer’s. Changes happen that you can’t really prepare mentally for & I’ve come to the realization, I can’t do it for much longer. I’m not equipped mentally to take care of him, in the capacity that he needs. It’s been hard trying to explain it to my kids. I think it’s hurting them in their understanding of respecting elders simply b/c of how I need to talk to dad sometimes. Austin will quote me here & there & say “pop pop’s brain is sick, so that’s why he did that.”

Finished up this semester, thank goodness! (without totally losing it!) For the online Nutrition class, I really didn’t apply myself like I wanted to & ended up with a C. I so could of, SO could of gotten an A in that class. I messed up one of the 2 projects which dropped my grade almost 10 points & the final was at the college…I did okay with it but I was so nervous b/c with this class, you had to get a 70 or better on the final or you would fail no matter what your grade was up to that point. I don’t usually do well with multiple choice tests but this one was okay. I’m just glad I passed & all I have now are the 2 classes that I withdrew from earlier this semester, to get through, next year. I have great friends who have encouraged me & told me that anyone with all that I have had going on, would have had a hard time. But I just put so much pressure on myself b/c I like being good…I like being great at everything I attempt & I get depressed when I feel I can’t live up to my own expectation of myself. I need to teach myself how to work on class material, a little bit every day so that I can learn it vs. cramming- which does not work with the level of material I have to learn.

Ok. Tired of talking about myself for now Here are some pictures of mom & I. The one on the left was on her 60th birthday…we just found out that she had cancer. The one on the right was her 64th birthday…her last birthday. I planned a surprise party for her as she had just gotten back from MD Anderson Cancer Center in TX, in which they gave her a couple months to live. We had around 50 or so people show up. She was so happy to see everyone & I loved giving her birthday parties. She was so giving. She left the server a great tip…argued with me about it, told me to let her do it I loved her spirit.

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

My oldest son wanted to play soccer- he didn’t really know much about the sport & he’s really come a long way just in the short season he’s had! They only had 6 players & 6 games. Austin missed one game but at the first game, he would get frustrated b/c he couldn’t get the ball & b/c he’s a perfectionist like his mama…it was mainly frustration at himself. Although he did make comments like “The boy in the blue shirt won’t let me get the ball!” lol. It was so neat to see him grow from the first to the last- at the last game he played the whole time, ran up & down, up & down & didn’t give up. I was one proud mama! He says he wants to play it again so we might sign up for the fall. Austin’s not much into sports but I wanted to let him try something else b/c I think it’s good for him. It’s also given us some more family time as my husband has been able to come to all the games with the exception of the last one.

Easter Egg Hunts! We are a family that celebrates the resurrection of Jesus & my oldest son, because of what he was learning in school, often talked about the cross. I love having him learn about things I learned as a child, at school. Haven’t decided where he’s going to start kindergarten yet…that’s a really hard decision for us. Class Party! I made cake balls that were supposed to look like an egg & stuffed inside a bunny egg, for his school egg hunt. Hopefully they tasted better than they looked lol. You can view by clicking on the thumbnail, then again on the picture for a larger view….

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

This year so far has been great for my online business! I created a new item for Valentine’s Day & I never expected it to be as popular as it has! I’ve created a lot of new characters in my shop & used them to create mini note card/Valentine’s that I sell per dozen with envelopes. My LEGO Star Wars Valentines were definitely the most popular! I’m not surprised b/c I did a search & there just isn’t a lot on the market. It’s a goal to create a bunch of new designs for Valentine’s next year & hopefully be better prepared…I ran out of the mini envelopes a few times & had to reorder so I’ll plan better in the future.

I started a new semester in January at the community college…& it’s so far not going great. I signed up for Chemistry…took it in high school & in college but b/c it was more than 5 years ago (10 years for college/16 years for high school)…I have to take it again. Also signed up for Anatomy & Pysiology II, Nutrition online & a Health Orientation online class. These four classes were the last ones I needed in order to apply for Nursing School entrance. I was so excited & really thought I could get thru it but boy was I wrong! I ended up withdrawing from Chemistry & then shortly after, from A&P II- it was a night class & I just could not keep up. The Chemistry class I was in, started at 9am & my son’s preschool didn’t start until 8:50am, which did not give me enough time to get to school, search for a parking spot, walk to class & in my seat before class began.

One of the reasons I had so much anxiety was b/c of my business being so busy. I received orders for approx. 100 items in less than 2 weeks; Jan & Feb did as much business as I would usually do in 4-6 months! Which was amazing & I loved it but with all going on, I honestly felt I was going to have a heart attack! Anxiety level had topped off & something had to give! Considering my grades were super important to get into nursing school, I knew I wouldn’t be able to bounce back & give enough to make it thru the semester so I had a peace about withdrawing. Also, my dad became worse & more dependant on me in certain areas so that was also a factor. I’d rather be sane & alleviate major stress, than continue & lose my mind.

I’m going to try to do my best in the Nutrition & Health orientation class. I really don’t want to damage my GPA so I hope I can push through as those classes are the easiest of the four. Only setback is, I am now a year behind application to nursing school b/c they only accept applications once a year but I’m really going to be okay. In all reality, I probably should’ve waited to go back to school…at least until both kids were in school full time b/c it’s ridiculously hard trying to study at home with my kids- they are all boy & love to run around & be loud. My ADD just cannot focus with all the distractions in my house! Yes, I definitely believe I have ADD! I’ve always had a problem with my mind bouncing around from one thing to another & it has really gotten bad but I am hopeful with taking off the stress of two classes, that things will calm down soon! It has to get better!

Below are some samples of my Valentine cards!

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO.